Planning Your Date

After reading my first two blogs you might be super excited and ready to ask someone out on a date, but now the question is, where and when should I go?

If you study at the University of Michigan and you’re looking for love, you’re in luck! In Ann Arbor, there is always something to do. A MLive article written in September 2016 ranked Ann Arbor as one of the top cities for singles, number 12 in a study with 200 other metropolitan areas.  The study found that 78% of men and 70% of women between the ages of 20-34 have never been married, which is ranked 4^th in the nation. Additionally, they found that there are 97.4 men for every 100 women in Ann Arbor. The study was scored in the four categories of community, dating, and cost of living, and entertainment and leisure. They also considered bars, movie theaters, mean income, rental price, and burglary cases per 1,000 people. The price “information that signals the amount of potential value contained in a product” of entertainment and leisure, influenced the study in determining affordability of dating (Babin, 2016, p. 260).

Depending on the seasonality, “regularly occurring conditions that vary with the time of year” my favorite date spot in every season except winter is at Nichols Arboretum, “the Arb”, a close walk away from campus (Babin, 2016, p. 230). I try to do a lot of mental budgeting before I make a purchase decision, “memory accounting for recent spending” to see what I can afford to spend on entertainment and leisure, and like many college students, I usually I don’t have a lot to spend (Babin, 2016, p. 246). Since there is no price to go to the Arb and it is a University of Michigan landmark, going there would add to the authenticity, “the degree to which an object, person, or experience seems real, genuine, unique, and part of history or tradition”, of the date (Babin, 2016, p. 288). The Arb was the location of my first date with my boyfriend, and we make it a tradition to go often. In the winter, my favorite date spot is to see a movie at the Michigan theater, which also shows a lot of authenticity in the rich history, as well as the interior design and decorations inside the theater.

Ladies, what is the best time of the month to schedule a date? According to this article, the men that women choose to date during ovulation tend to have low levels of stress hormone cortisol, adding more evidence to the idea that women find more compatible long-term partners when their fertility is at its peak, around 11 to 21 days after their last period started. The temporary factors “situational characteristics related to time” of reaching peak fertility increases the likelihood of finding a soulmate (Babin, 2016, p. 228). So, ladies, don’t be afraid to be a little bolder during this timeframe, you might just meet your soulmate! Although even if you miss the timeframe, don’t be afraid of the time pressure, “urgency to act based on some real or self-imposed deadline”, you can find your soulmate outside of that timeframe, too (Babin, 2016, p. 229). Just don’t give up hope, “a fundamental emotion evoked by positive, anticipatory appraisals that signal uncertainty about potentially positive outcome”, and you might find love when you least expect it (Babin, 2016, p. 294).

Babin, B., & Harris, E. (2016). In CB 7 (7th ed., pp. 228-294). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.

Durr, M. (2016, September 15). Ann Arbor named one of the best cities in U.S. for singles. MLive Media Group. Retrieved March 29, 2017, from http://www.mlive.com/news/ann-arbor/index.ssf/2016/09/ann_arbor_named_one_of_the_bes.html

(2010, September 15). Best Time of Month to Schedule a First Date. Pop Sugar. Retrieved March 29, 2017, from https://www.popsugar.com/love/Best-Time-Go-First-Date-11007618

Next Steps: Leverage Your Friendships

Maybe after reading my first blog you are slightly more inclined to open yourself to dating. Now the question is, what are your next steps?

One of my friends took his first step by sharing with his friends that he wanted to start dating. This worked well for him, because once he could have his community aware and on board with his goals, he had the support system he needed to succeed. Some reference groups you can talk to can be your sorority or fraternity, teammates, or youth group. No matter your choice of reference group, they have an impact on your evaluations, aspirations, and behavior (Babin, 2016, p. 156). I know for me, once I vocalize my goals to the reference groups I’m involved in, I am much more motivated to accomplish them, knowing they are supportive of me. After vocalizing his aspiration of dating, one of my best friends and I found a potential match in a mutual friend. We nudged him by using group influence, sharing the values of our mutual friend. Group members influence attitudes, opinions, and behaviors of others within in the group, and can make a large impact on your decisions (Babin, 2016, p. 157). He took our advice and took a chance. Today they are still together and over six months strong!

We have all heard of the term “wingman” before, originating from fighter jet pilots where the wingman’s job is to support and protect the leading pilot. How often does this technique applied to love work? According to this video, “Does Having A “Wingman” Actually Help You Get A Date?” there has been research done in support of having a friend with you when approaching potential partners. The old cultural norm, a rule that specifies the appropriate behavior in a given situation within a specific culture, in this case, modern dating in the United States, is that men usually approach women first and “make the first move” while the women are pickier when it comes to searching for potential soul mates (Babin, 2016, p. 180). Times are changing, and I can tell you that I was the first one to express interest in my boyfriend. Try to get out of your comfort zone and role expectations, the specific expectations that are associated with each type of person within a culture or society, and freely express your thoughts and feelings. It was scary putting myself out there, but once I realized that the only thing to lose was the feeling of being “rejected” I knew that I could handle it. I was rejected the first time. Tom told me that he didn’t see anything here. It was tough at first but we continued to be friends and it just gradually fell into more feelings on his end. Today we have been dating for more than a year!

Another technique is to go out with your friends in group settings. According to this article, research shows that people look better in group settings as the brain tends to “average out” the facial features of everyone in the group, making everyone look more attractive. So grab your girlfriends or bros and head out to the bars, you may never know who else is out there looking for love!

Babin, B., & Harris, E. (2016). In CB 7 (7th ed., pp. 27-29). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.

Salt, R., Brown, G & Moffit, M. [asapSCIENCE]. (2016, May 25). Does Having A “Wingman” Actually Help You Get A Date? Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgTQD-v27QI

Dickerson, K. (2013, October 31). Barney Stinson's 'Cheerleader Effect' is real - People Look More Attractive in Groups. Business Insider. Retrieved March 09, 2017, from http://www.businessinsider.com/people-look-more-attractive-in-groups-2013-10

This is the best time to take a risk.

“We were college sweethearts,” the answer to so many responses of the classic question, “How did you two meet?” Well, at least that is what the perception is. Perception refers to consumer, or this case, human awareness and interpretation of reality. (Babin, 2016, p. 51). Is it reality that most couples meet in college? Probably not, but it still feels like a lot of people do.

College is for a lot of people the first time you get to experience being away from family with no curfews, the first time where time management is completely in your control, and your decision making is in your own hands. A lot of students in college will say, “Well I don’t have the time to be thinking about dating right now, I have to focus on myself.” Sure, I get that, but when will it ever be the “right” time? At least for me, college will be the only time where I can just focus on myself. After I graduate, I will be working on advancing in my career and climbing the social ladder to support and take care of my parents. In college, making mistakes has little consequences, and failures are encouraged. This is the time to take advantage of all the (mostly) smart people around you and build life-long relationships. Life is unpredictable, there will never be a “right” time. The time is now.

When people in this video were asked would you rather be single or in a relationship, not one person said they would be single. “Well there is no one here that fits me,” well that’s what your perception is. Is it reality? (Babin, 2016, p. 51). I don’t think so. In the video, they learned that people are all looking for the same great qualities but we think we’re the only ones who are. People listed qualities they wanted in a partner such as companionship, honesty, friendliness. But when asked, “What do you think it is that other people are looking for in a partner?” those same people stated negative superficial perceptions of what others were looking for in a relationship, listing answers such as "to have someone to have sex with" or "to show off as arm candy." This is evidence that there is a quite a large perception gap between the human awareness of what others are looking for and what they are looking for in reality (Babin, 2016, p. 51).

A lot of us have walls up, heartbroken by our previous relationships in the past. We have all heard about the "Turkey Drop," slang for season where college freshmen dump their high school sweethearts over Thanksgiving break. I was a victim, and it took me almost all of freshman year to get over it. They do say that it takes half of the time a relationship lasted to get over it, and I can believe it. Well, while I was getting over my high school sweetheart break up, so was my current boyfriend, who also broke up with his high school sweetheart around holiday season. We are all going through similar things, and a lot of us have been hurt. We are scared that we might get hurt again by someone who is looking for superficial things, but in reality, everyone feels this way.

When the participants in the video were asked if they had someone in mind who had those qualities they wanted in a partner, almost all of them said yes. They all had positive things to say about the person they had in mind, but were scared to speak up because they did not know how the other person felt. When asked to give the person a call, they were nervous, but they did it, and shared all their thoughts honestly.

How did they feel after? They all felt great! Taking risks is necessary for growth. When you take risks, you learn. Learning refers to a change in behavior resulting from the interaction between a person and a stimulus (Babin, 2016, p. 51). They learned that telling someone how you feel about them is something you will almost never regret. So take risks, you’ll always learn from them!

Babin, B., & Harris, E. (2016). In CB 7 (7th ed., pp. 27-29). Boston, MA: Cengage Learning.

Bernstein., M & Pittman, M. [SoulPancake]. (2014, February 13). Living the Single Life | The Science of Love. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lREZ6Bg_Y4E

Kitchener, C. (2013, November 27). Lots of College Freshmen Are About to Dump Their High School Sweethearts. The Atlantic. Retrieved February 08, 2017, from https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2013/11/lots-of-college-freshmen-are-about-to-dump-their-high-school-sweethearts/281860/